Dear God, my birthday is coming up

I will be (insert age) and I’m still single.

The excuse, I’m too young, too immature, focusing on my degree/ career won’t work anymore.

So what excuse should I give?

Why do I feel so inadequate as a woman?

What’s wrong with me Lord?

You say to believe your promises.

You say to trust in you.

I have trusted in you.

I feel so tempted to take matters into my own hands, to lower my standards, to compromise my values.

You promised me a husband yet I haven’t met one good guy this year.

You promised me a future marriage, yet no one is asking me on dates or pursuing me.

I know your word says you are reserving a future full of hope for me but I don’t feel hope Lord.

I feel disappointment and grief as the weeks turn into months, the months into years, the years into a decade and I still can’t see any sign of your promise being fulfilled.

As friend after friend gets engaged, I attend wedding after wedding and I congratulate yet another on the birth of their new baby, I can’t help but wonder, when is it going to be me?

Will it ever be me?

I love you Jesus and I want my heart to be yours.

I’ve tried so hard for my heart to be only yours, to belong only to you in the hope that you seeing my commitment to you, you will bless me with the special love of a husband and best friend.

Maybe my motivation is wrong?

Maybe I was trying to manipulate you Lord in getting you to give me what I want most- marriage?

Maybe my desires still aren’t pure ?

Maybe you aren’t what I really want ?

Maybe you aren’t the only one I desire ?

Maybe after all this time I still believe the lie that all my happiness lies in a husband, in marriage, in kids ?

Maybe you’re still working on me, on my desires and my heart so that I learn, truly learn to trust you and to find all my joy in you.

Just maybe….

Jesus I know that you love me but as I embark on this new year of life, I don't feel strong enough to face another year of disappointment and despair.

The unfulfilled desire that I have for marriage and children has caused such a painful wound in my heart.

Help me Lord to remember that my life is a gift.

Help me to be hopeful and to have faith in your promises.

This year I give you my hurt, my pain and this cross of loneliness.

Help me to spend it less obsessed about my relationship status and more focused on you and what you are doing in my life each day.

By your grace I can leave my future in your hands and stay in the present moment.

I love you Jesus.

Your daughter,

Jojo