Challenging your expectations of your future husband
Updated: Feb 2, 2021
I talk to a lot of young single women and one thing many, if not all have in common is expectation, loads of them.
As opposed to popular belief, expectation is not good, especially when it comes to the vocation of marriage.
Don’t get me wrong as a daughter of God you should be always hopeful when it comes to your future and future marriage but there is a huge difference between expectation and hope.
According to the Oxford dictionary, expectation is defined as a strong belief that something will happen or be the case.
Hope on the other hand is to want something to happen and think that it is possible.
As author Thane Marcus says, there is a fine line between hope and expectation,
Having hope means you are trusting the process.
Having an expectation means you are trusting the results.
Having a hope means that the future is uncertain.
Having an expectation means that you are predetermining the future.
Having a hope is an action of humility.
Having an expectation can be an act of pride.
Having a hope does not disappoint.
Having an expectation often falls short.
Having a hope helps us acknowledge that God knows best.
Having an expectation often indicates that you know best.
This is an important distinction every single woman should understand as expectations before entering any relationship are dangerous.
Expectations have the ability to kill true love and stifle the growth of love even before it begins.
Now we all have dreams and have an idea of what we want in the man we would like to spend the rest of our lives with.
However you must be careful to not be too attached to these, as unwavering attachment to our dreams can turn them into expectation.
Some of you might be saying, “I have no expectations, I just want what God wants.”
However sometimes our expectations are not always obvious.
Sometimes they are in our subconscious and can only be revealed by thoroughly analyzing and reflecting on our thoughts, our dreams and our fantasies.
It is important to do this intentionally, as in order to heal and let go of our expectations they need to be brought before Our Lord diligently in prayer.
For example in my own life, I realized that I had the expectation that my future husband would be the one person that would never hurt me.
God opened my heart to see the folly of this expectation through my own parents' marriage.
I am very blessed. My parents love each other deeply, and they have a beautiful marriage. They are best friends and they love Our Lord. However, one day my father hurt my mother deeply and she shared this with me. Before this I never knew that my father could have said or done such things.
God used this situation to show me that a husband is only a man, a human being with flaws.
As human beings we hurt those we love.
Even my future husband will cause me hurt, as I will also hurt him.
Knowing that my future husband will probably cause me hurt does not fill me with fear or disappointment but even with this knowledge I can now let go of my expectation and I can choose to put my hope in a God who works in the messiness of human relationships.
What expectations of your future husband do you need to challenge?
Consider the following :
He will be my superhero
He will complete me
With him in my life all my problems will disappear.
He will never hurt me/ my feelings
He will never ignore me
He will always stand up for me
He will never take me for granted
He will always accept me
He will be my perfect match
He will simply be perfect
If any of these thoughts echo your own, I’d like to remind you what God told me.
Your future husband is a human.
He is an ordinary man.
He is not Jesus Christ.
Now there is a real place in the heart of every woman who desires the above and for good reason.
God put those desires there, because only He first and foremost can fulfill these perfectly.
Jesus is your superhero !
Now some of you may be asking, “Shouldn’t I expect that my future husband will be kind and thoughtful and understanding, the perfect gentleman etc?”
The answer is yes and no.
I’m definitely not saying to lower your standards or settle for a terrible guy.
Instead the point I’m trying to make is to shift your focus from having expectations of your future husband, and instead strengthen your hope in a good God.
Author and speaker, Peter Kreft spoke beautifully about hope in an article which I think really applies here,
“For the Christian hope does not come from us. It is our response to God's promises. It is saying Yes to God's guarantees. Hope is thus definite and specific, not vague, because God has promised definite and specific things.
So yes daughter of God, you can hope unceasingly in God and what He has promised for your future marriage.
Let’s look at some of those promises in light of your future husband:
He will help you love God more
He will help you become a great saint
He will help you get to Heaven
He will by God’s grace protect you and provide for you
He will serve God’s purpose in your life
He will bring you great joy
He will change you for the better
He will teach you the meaning of true love and forgiveness
Life is very uncertain and so is love, but when you hope in a good God who never changes you can look forward even to the uncertainty.
Remember the point of marriage isn’t to satisfy your desires, that is God’s job. Don’t get me wrong he will use your future husband as a vessel for this.
However the first most important job of your future husband is to help you become a great saint and get to Heaven.
Now that’s something worth looking forward to!